this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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