If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
