It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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