So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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