Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
