Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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