you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
