Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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