I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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