May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
