Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he was CRYING into my vagina
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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