How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
