I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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