i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
