I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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