i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
