As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
