then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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