I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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