Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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