Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
