honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
