It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
