god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
