i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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