I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
