I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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