Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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