Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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