Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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