Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we made out on top of his cat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
