R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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