Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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