a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
