Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
