Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
