sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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