My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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