Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize