I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
