I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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