Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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