Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
