Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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