I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
