You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize