Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
