I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
