She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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