dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
