he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
