I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
