I'm going to jail i love you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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