Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
