the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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