dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you inspire me to be a worse person
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
