The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
