you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
