They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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