i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
