You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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