All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
